i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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