I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
