Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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