Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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