Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
