Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Randomize
