If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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