operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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