I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
