he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
