i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
