My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
