I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
