all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
A bitchslap is in order.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
