I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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