Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
