Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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