I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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