Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
