Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
