he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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