I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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