Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
