hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
