i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just googled if crying burns calories
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
