I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
