im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
