it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
