Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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