We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
