My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just invented taco cereal.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
