she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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