you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
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