anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
