:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
