never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
