please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
