i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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