I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
