I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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