I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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