he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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