college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
