i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
