I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
