I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
