So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
