did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
