dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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