I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
