By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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