this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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