brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I just pynch a tree in the face
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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