Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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