He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
