Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
